Beach Clarity

 I had alot of clarity at the beach and since that trip I have a sense of "me" back. I missed getting to see Brad and Calvin, but I did not have the fallout I was expecting this time. My anxiety was more rooted into the way Ken was treating me and then something wonderful happened. 

My brain connected alot of dots and i just feel like i was finally able to remove the "mask" i have felt i have not been able to remove for so long. the mask that was partly keeping me from being with Cal. I remember having to be this perfect little girl all the time so no one would yell, scream, fight or anything. This "mask" became my survival tool. So long as i shut up and sat pretty, nothing bad would happen. That was unrealistic and distorted. I ended up being taught and conditioned to abandon myself and who i was to make others happy. As long as they were happy with me, i was worthy of love. That is the biggest distorted thought i believe i carried. That i was incapable of doing things because someone once said i couldnt. it is not right. i learned this week about the difference between right & wrong and fairness. 

I made the decision I have had enough. I have told Ken for the last time this is coming to an end. I should not have to give up on my hopes and dreams just because someone else does not share them or understands them. I am not giving up my business because he is delusional thinking i am only using it as an avenue to cheat when I am not. Getting my children to try and play his games of calling me a cheater and then expects me to put out, like i owe him something because i share his last name. fuck him! 

My body, i can do whatever i want with it. i do not need a mans permission on what i choose to do with it. why would i want to put out if you are treating me like shit then love bombing me like that is going to magically cure the harsh words and treatment you just dished out. what was supposed to be a relaxing and enjoyable weekend turned into a catching whatever moments we could to enjoy ourselves between his behavior and negative attitude. I am exhausted and just miss the freedom of good uninterrupted sleep. 

I am so ready to get back to cal that i cant stand it. Ken asks me the same questions almost as though he never remembers it or expecting a different result. I just do not understand. So for the last time, I let him know since he cannot change his behavior this is headed to the end of itself. I told him this moment would come a year ago if he did not fix the behavior. i have dealt with this for almost a year at this toxicity and I refuse to do anymore. I am done. And it will be difficult but I have made it with less and taught myself that when he moved in. 

Being around people did not bother me, it was the after thought of how will that be used or weaponized against me later that was driving my anxiety to avoid places and people and that is wrong! I recognized that I have pushed away in the past from healthy relationships because they seemed unsafe and unpredictable when that was false. I was so deeply conditioned to abandon myself and my needs for others that healthy relationships seemed like there was a catch for taking care of myself and it just baffles me it took me so long to realize that. i have been in survival mode for so long that coming out of it feels like waking up from a long drawn out coma and realizing alot of your life has passed and you have to start fresh in a sense, but it doesnt seem so scary now in comparison to a year and a half ago. I feel like i was in a mental coma unable to get out of it and now that I am, it's like okay what to do next. 

I couldnt get myself to do the next steps as they just seem clear enough yet. Now I am just ready to get my life back, my peace back. His problems are not my problems. And he continues to try to make them my issues... its annoying. I am ready to move on and be happy and do the things i want to do that i once did before he started being this way. I just have no interest in trying to make things work or fix them anymore. Rehab was the last attempt to make sobriety stick and change his behavior to stop from losing me, but the reality is, he already lost me, and he keeps showing his colors and i do not like them anymore. he was a wolf in sheeps clothing and now i see him for what he is and that is okay. He chose to make his own decisions and act the way he has and that is not a reflection of me, but a projection of himself and how he sees himself. 

If me being a strong and independent woman who does not need him is offensive and degrading, that seems to be a him problem. i do not care anymore, i do not wish to fix him or his shit. i do not wish to cuddle or be intimate, and i just feel repulsed. so much so, i contemplated even have relationships after this. they just seem so off putting to me right now. why? whats the point? just to have my freedom and peace taken away and weaponized against me when i do no wrong? I am over being accused of doing shit i am not doing, so i am done. i want to get this divorce done and go our separate ways.