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The bomb

 I am not sure how many times I could scream it, shout it, til I am blue in the face. No real change can be seen until you start putting action behind it. I can give someone a manual on how to love me and make me happy and only those who choose to pick it up and read it like a bible to study and learn it and apply it would be successful. If they arent willing to pick up the book and read its pages, theyll never know how good the story really was or could be.  It's like giving a diesel mechanic all the tools to be successful and if he only chooses to use the lube tech tools, he cannot call himself a diesel mechanic. You want a return on your investment, maybe you should pay attention to what you are investing your time and energy in. I have had alot of self reflection this past year and I can see the work I have put into therapy and how great it is working.  I still have alot to unlearn and process, but for the first time, i don't feel guilty for being me... in full raw fo...
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Beach Clarity

 I had alot of clarity at the beach and since that trip I have a sense of "me" back. I missed getting to see Brad and Calvin, but I did not have the fallout I was expecting this time. My anxiety was more rooted into the way Ken was treating me and then something wonderful happened.  My brain connected alot of dots and i just feel like i was finally able to remove the "mask" i have felt i have not been able to remove for so long. the mask that was partly keeping me from being with Cal. I remember having to be this perfect little girl all the time so no one would yell, scream, fight or anything. This "mask" became my survival tool. So long as i shut up and sat pretty, nothing bad would happen. That was unrealistic and distorted. I ended up being taught and conditioned to abandon myself and who i was to make others happy. As long as they were happy with me, i was worthy of love. That is the biggest distorted thought i believe i carried. That i was incapable o...
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Clean slate

 So, lately i have dealt with a lot of trauma that just needed to be dealt with. For starters the insane reason i kept feeling like i wasn't good enough for people when i am. The insane reason i felt the need that i had to have other peoples approval and affection in order to feel loved.  I simply was conditioned to not love myself and believe what others thought about me as true when it wasn't true. A lot of the distorted thoughts are gone now. the intrusive thoughts are significantly less and i feel like i can breathe again for a short while.  Then of course there's the issues with the spouse right now. I have reached my limit and exceeded my threshold by far. I have so many recordings on my phone of the outlandish things I am accused of and the way i am talked to and treated. I had hoped him going to rehab that he would have worked on himself enough and been away long enough that he had decided to stay sober for his health and to avoid ruining more relationships. I was...
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