The bomb

 I am not sure how many times I could scream it, shout it, til I am blue in the face. No real change can be seen until you start putting action behind it. I can give someone a manual on how to love me and make me happy and only those who choose to pick it up and read it like a bible to study and learn it and apply it would be successful. If they arent willing to pick up the book and read its pages, theyll never know how good the story really was or could be. 

It's like giving a diesel mechanic all the tools to be successful and if he only chooses to use the lube tech tools, he cannot call himself a diesel mechanic. You want a return on your investment, maybe you should pay attention to what you are investing your time and energy in. I have had alot of self reflection this past year and I can see the work I have put into therapy and how great it is working. 

I still have alot to unlearn and process, but for the first time, i don't feel guilty for being me... in full raw form. I am okay with not being everyone's cup of tea. I still have the anxiety moments from time to time, but then remember that is just my body's way of expelling the trauma and things not mine to keep. I feel like I can finally swim above the water I was once drowning in and its almost freeing. I cant quite pinpoint why I still have the anxiety around the alone part, but I am working through that now. 

I have exhausted my voice with what was going wrong and how to resolve it and after rehab didnt stick for him, that was it for me. He will come to the end of himself and lately, even if he fixed it, I would still feel the same way. I can admit it to myself, but it still doesnt feel safe to finish the process. I know that doesnt make sense. I havent been able to just climb the wall I feel like is standing in my way. 

I want to be free and it feels like my freedom is just out of reach.