Clean slate

 So, lately i have dealt with a lot of trauma that just needed to be dealt with. For starters the insane reason i kept feeling like i wasn't good enough for people when i am. The insane reason i felt the need that i had to have other peoples approval and affection in order to feel loved. 

I simply was conditioned to not love myself and believe what others thought about me as true when it wasn't true. A lot of the distorted thoughts are gone now. the intrusive thoughts are significantly less and i feel like i can breathe again for a short while. 

Then of course there's the issues with the spouse right now. I have reached my limit and exceeded my threshold by far. I have so many recordings on my phone of the outlandish things I am accused of and the way i am talked to and treated. I had hoped him going to rehab that he would have worked on himself enough and been away long enough that he had decided to stay sober for his health and to avoid ruining more relationships. I was ready to call the attorney and file the papers the Wednesday before he went in. Thought maybe I am acting too soon, and we can do this civilly and not based on me being in survival mode. Well, the day he came home from rehab, of course driving his motorcycle that he isn't supposed to be driving without a license, he decided to make a stop to get liquor. Then proceeds to be drunk for a few days and then acting like I am stupid and not going to check the accounts. Tries to convince me that he has not way of getting or paying for it, when he has a cc and transportation and he continues to go out of his way to lie about something as small as he has been drinking. 

So i reminded him the lies make it difficult to trust him in any capacity and the accusing me of doing things i have not done with people i have not done things with infuriates me, but if i defend myself then i am guilty of something, not simply because i was conditioned to defend myself when i am accused of stuff i haven't done. 

I had to take a step back from a lot of things the past month and a half, and specifically didn't put myself in positions to be questioned on. I stand firm in my truth right now and enough is enough. I have already separated our finances and it may take me a month or two to get it all adjusted and moved over, but I have started the process of separating our shit. Next order of business is the business getting back up and running and I am already working on other avenues of income. 

I have been posting more on my social app about all the things the spouse says and does and spend time when i can on their to take calls and get paid for talking with people about various things. I am also working on cleaning the storage units and separating stuff out. I am just over being treated like shit, and talked to like i am a crazy person who did not just experience what i did. I have informed him many times now since being home and not staying sober since 5/9/25 that if the behavior doesn't stop he can leave. I am ready to file for divorce at this point. I was trying to be patient and be supportive until his backpay came in to leave him with funds and set him up for success, but fuck this! 

I have already separated our bills as he wanted, since he feels like he is paying for my shit, after I spent a year and a half, tanked my business and worked diligently at my day job to get us by and pay for all of his shit and neglect my own. I am mad and frustrated. I recognize i tend to take my emotions out on other people so I have worked hard on that. Learning to self soothe and console myself and such. It has been empowering to have the time i needed to get out of survival mode while he was gone and focus on the things i wanted to focus on. I have made great strides with the business that i am proud of and want to keep moving forward in that, i want to do more shit with my kids, visit friends more often and just have a life outside of trying to figure out what is next, or when is the next bad thing going to happen. 

It has been freeing lately to see the progress therapy has brought me and the way i feel about myself and my future. I am sick of being stuck in the past and having the therapy i needed to get through all of this and be more self aware has been amazing. I forgot what it was like to be authentically me. I can name a few people who love me for me even when i am in an episode. It is okay for me to feel the way i feel and not want to be around people who do not respect my boundaries and only want to use me for their selfish gains. I was called a cunt and a slut because i did not want to cuddle with someone who was accusing me of things i haven't doe with people I would honestly never want to do things with, and being straight disrespectful about it. Then would be mad, storm out the room while he calls me names, accusing me of cheating with co-workers or people, or whatever and then bring up shit from before we got together or when we first got together, or just past shit in general and then proceed to pick fights about it. The says he wants a divorce, wants me to kill myself and offers to help, and then in turns a few minutes later comes back and attempts to then be sweet and cuddly and apologetic and when I am like no thank you because you just treated me poorly, why would I want to connect or interact with someone who does that to me and then a few mins later decides they didn't mean what they said and then proceeds to repeat the behavior which caused the reason why i did not want to be intimate or whatever, thus proving my point. 

Took off my wedding band because if you aren't going to treat me like your wife and treat me the way you say you love me, I'm sorry but that isn't love at all. That is a manipulation game at its finest. Making me mad then love bombing me then being mean and love bombing again, over and over, for what purpose? 

So, I have spoken to my therapist and told her for a while I felt i had one foot in and one foot out and i thought maybe i can bring both feet back in while he was in the facility, but then knew to proceed with caution because my instincts were just screaming at me the closer and closer it got time for him to come home. For good reason too. He decided to get a bottle on the way home that day and has only been sober so far, for a couple to few days now. I do not see that lasting long as I have Jaden this weekend. Then proceeds to question me about our finances to the point he cannot make up his mind if he wants to separate them or keep them together, so i separated them anyway and I will keep on trucking. 

He said i triggered him when i said it was higher to be wanted than needed in a relationship. I would rather be wanted than needed. Calvin on the other hand has been on my mind a lot lately. Not just with his divorce, but him with his boy(s) and this secret i keep on holding onto. It has been almost 12 years so far and I just have 6 more years before i feel that it could be a good time to tell him. I am pretty certain he already suspects or knows in some capacity, but the knowing the uncertain unknown eats at me just a bit. I suspected the day at the hospital and i certainly know now, after speaking to a geneticist and then seeing it the other day when we were out. I better not say too much here. 

Sadly this feels like the safest place for me to even express myself or what I am going through to process and remind myself of what i am going through and what i have been through. It feels good to have a place to let it out, but i still get the feeling that i have to be careful or watch myself and that feeling really sucks!